Natalie Weiss

At the beginning of this year, a word came to mind, begging me to focus on it.

Wait.

The act of waiting and the practice of patience were calling to me, whispering, This is your focus this year. Just wait.

At the time, I felt impatient, like life was moving too slowly. Or rather, life was moving too fast, and I was the one moving too slowly. I wanted to be a manager – the manager – at my job. I wanted a relationship that would bloom quickly into a marriage, a lifelong partnership. I wanted what it seemed like those around me were getting. I didn’t want what I had: an hourly job – still in retail – and an empty apartment. Just me. Always just me.

I also wanted to move. Colorado held my attention. The culture of trail running appealed to me – the natural beauty present and the liberal politics held in areas like Denver and Boulder definite siren calls.

But that word held me.

Wait.

And then I got a notice in late January that I had won the lottery. Well, the lottery for the Berlin Marathon. The money would be flying out of my pocket, not coming in, and I would be putting my body through marathon training again, but I’d get to go to Berlin – to Germany, the top destination on my travel list. I’d get to run a historic marathon on a historic route. It would be amazing. And, as if it couldn’t get any better, the race was in the midst of Oktoberfest in Munich, Germany. Naturally, I booked a trip that took me there after the race.

Today, I canceled that trip. I canceled the hotel in Berlin. I canceled the hotel in Munich. I canceled the flight – the travel voucher now sits in my account, waiting to be used. I canceled the marathon, deferring it to next year.

Next year.

Wait.

I thought, way back in January, the notification from Berlin was the reason I felt everything else needed to pause. The reason I was being called to patience. Of course! Marathon training takes diligence and determination. It takes sacrifice. No way would I be able to go through marathon training after a move to Colorado. And even a promotion or a relationship might conflict with it too. Wait. Wait. Wait, because you are going on a big trip, running a big race, and having an amazing experience. This is the reason.

Except now, I know that was not the reason I was being called to wait. Now, I know that Berlin is another thing I am being called to wait for.

I don’t know why exactly. Now in the back half of the year, with fall just around the corner and winter looming, I’m still not sure what this waiting has been for. I have my suspicions, I suppose, but they are just that – just guesses. From that cold day in January to this warm one in August, not a whole lot has changed. My job has, and that has had its ripple effect of change I suppose. Because I got that promotion. I tasted the life of being a salaried employee. And it fell to pieces in a matter of mere weeks. Three months after the promotion, I was fired. And that word came back roaring, calling, as panic set in about what to do next.

Wait.

This time it meant don’t rush. Don’t run straight into a job because it’s safe, or it sounds comfortable, or it’s something you can do with your eyes closed. Wait.

That meant fearing that the money would dwindle, fearing days of complete freedom – but complete responsibility of what to do with that freedom, fearing losing control to my vices as a means to escape the reality of what had happened.

But I held fast to that word, wait. And I managed to get through a month of unemployment relatively unscathed and in rather good spirits going into a new job considering what had happened at the old one.

And so now, it doesn’t feel like much has changed since January. I know it has; I’m sure it has. But I think that was part of the purpose of the word too.

Maybe it will feel like nothing much changed this year. I waited on a lot of things. Waited on pursuing a big bucks, big office management position. Waited on rushing into any relationships just to have someone, to ease the ache of loneliness for half a second only to have it rush back worse in the aftermath. Waited on Berlin. Waited on a move west.

Ideally, in the waiting, work is done. Maybe it’s internal work only. Maybe there’s a financial build. Maybe it’s a stronger physique. But, ideally, work is done. To be honest, I don’t know how much work I’ve done this year. It’s been a year of a lot of no’s, and that makes remaining steadfast to the work of self-improvement all the more difficult. It makes it feel like things are falling a part rather than coming together. But in the end, it is a reorientation.

Maybe I was waiting for something to move me a half inch to the right, a one-degree twist from where I was aiming. Maybe there were words whispered alongside the wait, saying stop running relentlessly toward the wrong thing. Stop. Wait. Adjust. And then resume.

I hope by the end of this year, that is what will have happened. The half inch to the right. The one-degree twist. The reorientation. So when I open my eyes on the dawn of a new year, the word that greets me will be clear.

Resume.